Saturday, July 26, 2014

How's it hangin' y'all?

     Howdy y’all. 

     It sure has been an odd week. I’ve been hosting a fifteen year old boy this week. I’d forgotten what it was like to have an eating machine in the house. I feel like I'm sometimes working to keep an all you can eat buffett going!

     Okay, now I feel a rant coming on. I just can’t help it. I’ve got to get this off my chest... or leg. Ladies, this is pretty much guy thing, so if you don’t want to hear this, go off and do something girly. I won’t be offended. 

     Here goes: About the only thing I don’t like about summer is… Well… I absolutely hate it when my balls stick to my legs. I know you guys know exactly what I mean. You’re standing there, shaking your leg trying to get your nut to let loose. It doesn’t work, so then you try the other leg. Nope, still stuck. Then you go and do the pelvic thrust, like you’re some kind of moron imitating something out of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

     Of course you look up just in time to see a woman, or worse, a group of women looking at you like you’ve just arrived from Mars. Hey, at least you hadn’t gotten to the point where you just reach in and readjust all your junk, an audible POP resounds around you as that sucker finally lets loose! And guys, just admit it. Once you’ve done that, you want to smell your fingers. Go on. We’re all men here. We all do it. However, when you’ve been busted, you feel like the perviest of pervs. Well… most of you do. Me? I really don’t give a shit. I’m a guy. I’m not ashamed of it. We’re just pigs at heart. Once you’ve realized this, your life will be so much easier. Trust me on this one.

     I think the worst thing is, when it is so warm, your balls hang so low you end up sitting on them. Fuck that hurts. There’s nothing like sitting down on a hard chair and busting your own balls. And if you’re in public, you try not to scream or let your eyes roll back in your head. But damn, that shit hurts! 

     This happened to me recently. I was going out to have lunch with a friend of mine and I did just that. She asked me what was wrong and when I told her, she almost was hysterical with laughter. Then everyone was looking and I still had that pained look on my face. I noticed one guy looking at me with total understanding written all over his face. He tipped his head and I nodded with that unspoken bond of brotherhood. Yep, we’ve all done it. 

     So guys, I’ve been thinking on this the last couple of days. As much as I hate being all bound up, my stuff all squeezed together, I may have come up with a solution for those low-hanging, heat-tortured nuts. I’ve got an old jock with the cup-sock. You know the type, the ones that most football players wear with the little pocket built in for that hard as steel cup that protects the important stuff. Instead of the cup I’m going to get some of those flexible cold packs that you put in your lunch boxes or coolers. Slide that bad boy right on in there and let it cool the boys down. I don’t know about you, but I have a feeling that putting your balls on ice when it is ninety-plus degrees outside sounds like a pretty good idea to me! I mean, think about it: you’re outside mowing, the sweat dripping down your face, your back, your chest, but Mr. Happy and friends are all nice and cool! Great idea, right? I am soooo going to try this. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

     Alright, ladies… it is now safe to reenter the room. 

     Now I’m going to give y’all a little update. Since I’ve been home I have been busting my ass getting things back together. For those of you who know me, or have been following along on Facebook, you’ll know I had been working very hard on this yard. When I left, it was really looking good. I got back…and it had gone to hell in a hand basket. 

     While I was gone the rainy season had started here in Florida. No surprise there. I knew it was coming. I thought I was prepared for it. Or so I thought. My house-sitter was supposed to be mowing. Well that didn’t happen. At any rate, I’ve been playing catchup ever since. It has been a lot of hard work. I was disappointed, hurt and mad all at the same time. Oh well, it is what it is so moving on. I’ve gotten it back under control and looking good once again. 

     Yeah, I know, a lot of you think I’m nuts for spending so much time outside sweating my butt off in the Florida heat mowing, weeding, watering, feeding, clipping, edging and such. Yeah, I’ve heard it before. What I try to get people to understand is, I love it! I truly love working in my yard. I get instant gratification as well as having patience and the anticipation waiting for things to grown and then bloom. I just get off on it. It is like entertainment to me. It is my joy. 
Aren't they cool?

     I once had a friend actually fuss at me when I told him I couldn’t go somewhere because I didn’t have the money for it. “You’ve sure got enough money to spend on these plants!” I had just gotten some really nice native azaleas. They were gorgeous! They were burnt orange with flutters of bright red. I still remember them. I tried to explain to him that this was my entertainment. Not going off on some river diner cruise. That would last just one night. Those plants would give me years of pleasure. He didn’t get it. Oh well. 

     Any who… This is just part of who I am. Now understand that while I’m out there, sweat running down my ass crack, I’m also plotting and getting ideas for stories. So, you see, I’m actually doing double duty. In a roundabout way I’m working on my yard and gardens and working on stories too! Doesn’t that count as multi-tasking? Yay me! 

No, they are not mine.
     Time to wrap this up…my fingers are getting itchy wanting to pull my balls off my chair and get some actual work done, i.e., go outside and play in the dirt and think how I’m going to tie this next chapter up and put a bow on it.

     Now as always… please take the time to do something nice for someone else which in turn is actually doing something for yourself. 

     Have a great week, y’all! 


Yeah, I can still do it becuse I want to. Ha!


  1. Lol poor Max and his low hangers. Don't feel bad we women have the same issue but with our boobs. The flowers are pretty

  2. Oh hell naw. Max, I'm sorry, but I laughed until tears rolled down my face over this. Me being a female and a single one at that, never knew that you fellas had that problem. ����

  3. What Lupa said. And suspension engineering for boobs is EXPENSIVE! At least now I know what my DH's doing down there, LOL!
    About gardening, it's a great workout. The results are gorgeous both in your yard and for your health. Digging wall foundations, shoveling gravel, hauling stones - my DH and I could do it only every other day for an hour at first, like lifting weights. Weeding is a great core workout, too, if you do it mindfully. I envy you your weather :-)


  5. your posts are so awesome max i love them!! xx Dani