Straight Men Having Sex with Other Men... Part I

     So… there has been a few things that have come up lately so I’m going to call it fate and go with it. So, no rambling today. This one is rather long, so bear with me…

Now that I have your attention...

     A few years ago now, which seems unbelievable it was that long ago, I put a book out called ‘My Hero’. In this book there was a guy, Johnny, who was supposedly straight and then fell in love with the other main character, Rich, who happened to be gay. Yeah, well… I never went into much detail about that. I did make him mess up, caused all kinds of trouble, and then it all worked out in the end.
     When I wrote that, I did some research then, even though I pretty much knew the answer. What did I research? Why do straight men have sex with other men? And why do so many of them do it with gay men? Oh, and why and/or how did I already know the answer? Pfft… been there, done that and have the T-shirt(s). Yeah, I’ve been with married straight me a few times.
     Okay… maybe more than just a few. Now, before you go thinking badly of me, most of the time I didn’t know they were married. Hell, I didn’t even know they were straight!
     Oh… I can hear y’all thinking all the way from here…
     Yes, a straight man can have gay sex and it really isn’t that uncommon. Matter of fact, it is a lot more common that you may think. But going back to Johnny; his circumstance was more fluid. After doing the research, and what I didn’t go into was that there are some men… and women… who are more fluid, in their emotional sexual orientation. Did you notice that word? Fluid.
     That’s a fairly new term, but it makes complete sense to me. I’ve known a few people who really don’t care what the plumbing is. All they care about is the emotional connection and go from there. Personally, I thought that was pretty cool, and has only in the past ten years really been explored. There have been many studies and quite a few books written about it. Medical books to be exact (get your minds out of the gutter now).
     But back on topic…

     So why do obvious straight men go looking for sex with other men? To answer this I went digging again. A professor of women’s studies, Jane Ward, recently published something about this. Of course, she went way overboard in overthinking this in my opinion. There is one quote of hers that I think is pretty good though… “When straight-identified women have sex with women, the broader culture waits in anticipation for them to return to what is likely their natural, heterosexual state; when straight-identified men have sex with men, the culture waits in anticipation for them to admit that they are gay.”

     That pretty much sums that up, right? Yeah, not so much. There is a lot more to it than that.
     Joe Kort, Ph.D., in clinical sexology and licensed clinical social worker has numerous publications and has been a featured speaker many times over on this topic. He’s given some pretty spectacular insight to this subject. Here are some of his thoughts as to why straight men sleep with other men…
• Acting out early-childhood sexual abuse: This is also known as “homosexual imprinting.” These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented. They do not sexually desire, nor are they aroused by, other men. However, they compulsively reenact childhood sexual abuse by male perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with other men. If a basically heterosexual boy is molested by a male relative, he may keep “returning to the scene of the crime” to defuse his emotional pain or desensitize himself to it. When his original trauma gets cleared up, the “homosexual” behavior he’s reenacting ceases. This isn’t about gayness; it is about sexual abuse.
• Sex work or escorting: These heterosexual men voluntarily engage in sexual behavior with other men for the financial reward, but they lack desire for other men and are aroused by the sexual behavior, not by the man. It is widely known in the porn and sex work industries that straight men who have sex with men are paid more than they would be for sex with women.
• Seeking intensely arousing but personally shameful experiences (e.g., penetration by a dildo, bondage): These are heterosexual men who are strongly interested in various sexual experiences that many people might label “homosexual.” To avoid being identified in this way by women, they seek out men, whom they perceive as nonjudgmental.
• First sexual experience: Sometimes heterosexual males experiment with other males sexually, usually in adolescence and/or young adulthood (up to age 25), for the experience or to satisfy curiosity.
• Availability/opportunity: These straight men have high sex drives and are sexually aroused easily. They connect with men for physical sexual release, which can be quick and easy and allows them avoid having to emotionally engage.
• Father hunger: These are heterosexual men who crave affection and attention from their fathers and seek sex with men as a way of getting that male nurturance and acceptance.
• Sexual orientation toward men but emotional/romantic orientation toward women: These are men who are romantically attracted to women and are usually partnered with women. They can be sexual with women they love, but they are predominately aroused and driven sexually by desire for sex with other men.
• Narcissism: These are straight men who are self-absorbed and have a constant need for attention and acceptance; they use sexuality with men to be worshipped and adored. • Out of Control Sexual Behaviors: “Gay” sexual behavior can be the result of problematic sexual behaviors. But even a “cured” man who no longer struggles with out of control sexual behaviors may still feel attracted to sex with men.
• Cuckolding: These straight men enjoy fantasies of — or the reality of — their female partners having sex with other men, either in front of them, nearby or with their knowledge about when and where it occurs. They’re often sexually aroused by feeling humiliated that their female partners are being pleased by another man whom they see as more potent and better endowed. Other men enjoy being sexual with another man’s female partner in front of him, or at least with his knowledge. Sometimes they engage in sexual behavior with the man, but only in the presence of the female partner.
• Exhibitionism: These straight men enjoy being looked at by both men and women as long as they are being admired for their bodies. Many are body builders and muscular and enjoy the homoerotic attention of gay men and might even flirt with gay men to encourage more admiration.
• Sexual release in prison: These straight men engage in sexual behavior with other men in prison. Their sexual release with another person occurs with men only because men are what’s available. Once released from prison, these men no longer engage in sexual behavior with men.
     Oh wow, I know a guy who actually falls into three of these categories. And yes, he’s married with three kids. And yes, I had a fling with him. It was a lot of fun I must say. Again, I didn’t really know he was married when it all started.

     I like the way that Dr. Kort explains a lot of things, but there are a few things that he didn’t get into that I think needs to be mentioned here.
     While doing some further digging, I found some other doctor’s research where men would give a brief explanation as to why they were seeking out sex with other men, even though they identified as been heterosexual. This is what I was really looking for! I wanted to hear it straight (pun intended) from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.
     One man – "My wife and I have been married for sixteen years and we now have two children. My wife is a very loving wife and takes care of all of us and I love her deeply. (Cutting part of it out and going to the heart of the subject.) She’s cut her hair and looks like a tomboy, no makeup, shorts or sweats all the time and all she talks about are the kids or other family. She has no interest in sex and we never go anywhere because she says we need to keep the money for the kid’s college fund."
     Basically the guy met another guy and they started to hang out and one thing led to another and now they are lovers… but he’s still married.
     And then we have this guy – “I have sex with other men all the time, mostly because it’s easier than with women and more available and because I need variety, another great thing is it comes without drama, one night of sex is exactly that, one night. Men understand the need for sex, unlike women, and know that sex is just sex and nothing more.”
     Another guy said that his first sexual experience was with another boy as a young teen. He didn’t have sex with another male until his late 30’s. Again, a married guy who just wanted a sexual outlet and found it with another guy, who also happened to be ‘straight’ and married.
     The one thing I know about guys is that most men can separate love and their emotional relationships from sexual encounters. Here’s another example - “Men can have sex without the entanglements of their feelings or the demands put upon them from their female companions. They can have sex with other men without the need to do the cuddling, the after care, the expectations or trying to explain their feelings.”
    Okay, this is getting really long…
     How about I continue this, because there is soooo much more information that I’d like to explore. I’ll continue working on this and pick it up again next week. Maybe we’ll get to the bottom of why ‘straight’ men have sex with other men… perhaps. Who knows? I’ll keep digging though.
     For now…
     Go and do something for someone else who might need a little pick-me-up. It doesn’t hurt ya know. I did my part this week, did you?
     Have a grrreat week, y’all.
     Max