Straight Men Having SEX With Other Men... Part II

     So… I’m going to pick up from where I left off last week… If you’ve not read Part I, you should go and do so now…

     This all stems from Johnny, a character in ‘My Hero’ and several things that I’ve read, seen or heard over the past few weeks. Not sure where this is going to end up, but here we go! I do love research…
     There is a large number of gay men who seek out ‘straight’ guys to have sex with. This is nothing new. I’ve known that this happens for decades now. Personally, it never really was my thing. Of course there are many gay guys out there who fantasize about Firemen, Policemen, UPS guys and such. Then there are those who purposefully go out with the intentions making this happen. (OH, and don’t forget… there are plenty of ‘straight’ men who are out there looking for gay men to screw around with!)
    An old friend of mine, Morris, did this for years. You’d never know that Morris was gay by looking at him. He was an old-guard, leather-biker-dude who looked about as rough as a three-day tequila binge. He did clean up nicely, but that happened about once every five years or so. If I saw him clean shaven and manicured, I’d ask him who died.
     Anyway, he would go out to the titty-bars, get lap dances from the girls, who all knew him and what he was up too, just to turn the hot guy next to him on. He would then lure the guy out to his truck and have sex with him. The guy was probably well on his way to being drunk, totally turned on and more than likely would fuck a knothole by the time Morris got a hold of him.
     I’m sure the poor slob didn’t think about having sex with a guy when he ventured out to watch women stripping down to just about nothing, their nipples to the wind. No, Morris knew exactly what he was doing. Oh, and Morris never drank. He was a sober as a judge, if there are any of those these days.
     I ran across another article while doing this bit of research, written by a gay guy in conjunction with a ‘straight’ guy who has sexual encounters with other men, preferably gay men. In this little jewel, they list five reasons why a straight guy should have sex with a gay guy. I found this hilarious and oh so true…
1. You’ll never have a better blow job than from a guy. Gay men make better lovers, from a sexual point of view of course.
2. You’ll never have as much fun during sex than with another guy.
3. You don’t have to follow up with a phone call, flowers or awkwardness when all you really wanted was to get laid.
4. You never have to be turned down by a woman when you just want your ass played with. There is nothing as good as a good rim job.
5. It will make a gay guy very happy.
     In my experience when a straight guy is involved in a situation like this is: a straight guy just wants to watch a ball game, have a few drinks, a few laughs, some good raunchy sex and go then home. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe they feel like they’re bonding with another guy? I’m sure that is part of it.
     One guy in particular expressed how much he liked getting fucked, but would never admit this to his wife. He really loved his butt played with, a fantastic rim job and a good hard ass pounding. The man was a born bottom. One time, after a few beers, he said how much he enjoyed coming over but how much he loved his wife and kids and the life he had with them. I was a bit curious, but never pushed it. I figured that was his deal and now wish I’d questioned him.
    Oh my… I can feel the steam radiating off of some of you…
     CHEATER… yeah, well as my good friend Alan (Crystal) Clear said all those years ago… “Honey, if you can’t keep your husband at home, don’t expect me to send him there.”
     That may sound a little harsh, but in reality, if it wasn’t with me, it would have been with some other guy. That’s just the bottom line here (pun intended). I’ll say it again; when I started this little fling I had no idea he was married. When I did find out, I figured whatever harm was done, was well… done. We had both agreed when we’d started having sex that it was just for sex and a good time. That’s all either of us wanted from the very beginning. Last I heard, he’d taken up with another guy (gay), who I knew. I’d since moved away. As far as I know, they are still seeing each other.
     Let’s talk about labels…
     Yeah, I don’t give them much credence anymore. Why? Because they are either incorrect, they change or they do nothing but put a stigma on people. Gay, straight, bi, tri, quad or whatever. Quite frankly, I really don’t care. I try and look at the person as a whole, not whatever they do with their genitals or who they play with. And yes, I purposefully used that word ‘play’, because in this instance, that is exactly what it is.
     I have no doubt in my mind that some of these guys were actually straight but only wanted sexual release and a little fun with another guy. Some of these men don’t actually consider it cheating if it is with a guy. Maybe that’s a little fucked up, but that is how they see it.

Check it out if you think I'm kidding!

    
     There is a scene from one of my favorite films, “The Women” where the mother is trying to explain this to her daughter. (Not the remake, which was complete trash, but the old one from 1939.) What she said was such good advice I can’t help but think of it here.
    It went something like this…
     "When women get bored or feel that they need a change in their life, they go buy a new frock or change their hair or get a new hat. Men can’t do that. Stupid creatures that they are, look to see themselves in a new light in the eyes of another woman." In this case, in the eyes of another lover, which here, means another man.
     Personally, I think this was a very wise woman. Her further advice to her daughter was to do nothing. “Don’t even mention it. Let it run its course. He doesn’t actually love the creature.”
     Of course, that isn’t what she does. What kind of plot-line would we have if she hadn't? She mentions it, divorces the poor guy, which pushes him into the arms of the other woman. In the end, they get back together and all is well. By the way, there are so many good one-liners in this movie, it is like my number one must see movie to pass Gay 101.
     I once got an email from a female reader once who found out her husband was cheating on her with another man. (I’m still not sure why she contacted me in the first place.) She was pissed, hurt and every other emotion that goes along with finding out your man is out there having sex with someone else. She also had this thing about competing with a man.
     When I started asking some rather pointed and somewhat personal questions, she got all pissed at me! Yeah, well you gotta keep them home fires burning, honey.
     Some of the questions I was asking…
     How important do you actually make your man feel? Do you listen to him or is all you ever talk about is the kids, the house the dog the… whatever? And then there are times guys just need a break from it all. Not an excuse, just the simple plain truth of the matter. I told her all this, not because I was trying to be hurtful, but I was trying to get her to see what might be going on.
     She did later contact me and apologized and said that they were getting counseling and she thanked me. I’m not sure I did much of anything, but who knows, maybe they worked it all out.
     So why do straight guys have sex with other men? Who knows? What I have learned in all of this is that there are too many variances to give a general answer here. It is my opinion that each case is different. It might be part of the Kinsey scale. It might be boredom. It might be that a guy just needs to get off. I saw this… “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” – Dr. Fraud.
     And so there you have it…
     So all of this came from a little research for why a college freshman would actually have sex with another guy in a fictional book. Oh and some of the things that I’ve seen and heard over the past few weeks too. Remember that word ‘fluid’ that I used last week? Yeah, I’m totally sticking with that. Some guys (and most women) are just fluid in how they view sex, their own sexual orientation and desires. It doesn’t make them gay or bi, it just makes them… well sexual beings. Who knew it could be that simple… well it isn’t I suppose, but for me, I guess it is. I’m totally gay, and have never done the deed with a woman. I can’t even relate to that, so I can’t say that I’m that fluid. LOL I’m still a Gold Star gay after all!
     As I’ve said many times, sex is supposed to be fun! So… go forth and have some fun. Oh, and while you’re at it… you might try and do a good deed and rack up some Karma Coins.
     Have a grrreat week, y’all.
     Max

Straight Men Having Sex with Other Men... Part I

     So… there has been a few things that have come up lately so I’m going to call it fate and go with it. So, no rambling today. This one is rather long, so bear with me…

Now that I have your attention...

     A few years ago now, which seems unbelievable it was that long ago, I put a book out called ‘My Hero’. In this book there was a guy, Johnny, who was supposedly straight and then fell in love with the other main character, Rich, who happened to be gay. Yeah, well… I never went into much detail about that. I did make him mess up, caused all kinds of trouble, and then it all worked out in the end.
     When I wrote that, I did some research then, even though I pretty much knew the answer. What did I research? Why do straight men have sex with other men? And why do so many of them do it with gay men? Oh, and why and/or how did I already know the answer? Pfft… been there, done that and have the T-shirt(s). Yeah, I’ve been with married straight me a few times.
     Okay… maybe more than just a few. Now, before you go thinking badly of me, most of the time I didn’t know they were married. Hell, I didn’t even know they were straight!
     Oh… I can hear y’all thinking all the way from here…
     Yes, a straight man can have gay sex and it really isn’t that uncommon. Matter of fact, it is a lot more common that you may think. But going back to Johnny; his circumstance was more fluid. After doing the research, and what I didn’t go into was that there are some men… and women… who are more fluid, in their emotional sexual orientation. Did you notice that word? Fluid.
     That’s a fairly new term, but it makes complete sense to me. I’ve known a few people who really don’t care what the plumbing is. All they care about is the emotional connection and go from there. Personally, I thought that was pretty cool, and has only in the past ten years really been explored. There have been many studies and quite a few books written about it. Medical books to be exact (get your minds out of the gutter now).
     But back on topic…

     So why do obvious straight men go looking for sex with other men? To answer this I went digging again. A professor of women’s studies, Jane Ward, recently published something about this. Of course, she went way overboard in overthinking this in my opinion. There is one quote of hers that I think is pretty good though… “When straight-identified women have sex with women, the broader culture waits in anticipation for them to return to what is likely their natural, heterosexual state; when straight-identified men have sex with men, the culture waits in anticipation for them to admit that they are gay.”

     That pretty much sums that up, right? Yeah, not so much. There is a lot more to it than that.
     Joe Kort, Ph.D., in clinical sexology and licensed clinical social worker has numerous publications and has been a featured speaker many times over on this topic. He’s given some pretty spectacular insight to this subject. Here are some of his thoughts as to why straight men sleep with other men…
• Acting out early-childhood sexual abuse: This is also known as “homosexual imprinting.” These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented. They do not sexually desire, nor are they aroused by, other men. However, they compulsively reenact childhood sexual abuse by male perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with other men. If a basically heterosexual boy is molested by a male relative, he may keep “returning to the scene of the crime” to defuse his emotional pain or desensitize himself to it. When his original trauma gets cleared up, the “homosexual” behavior he’s reenacting ceases. This isn’t about gayness; it is about sexual abuse.
• Sex work or escorting: These heterosexual men voluntarily engage in sexual behavior with other men for the financial reward, but they lack desire for other men and are aroused by the sexual behavior, not by the man. It is widely known in the porn and sex work industries that straight men who have sex with men are paid more than they would be for sex with women.
• Seeking intensely arousing but personally shameful experiences (e.g., penetration by a dildo, bondage): These are heterosexual men who are strongly interested in various sexual experiences that many people might label “homosexual.” To avoid being identified in this way by women, they seek out men, whom they perceive as nonjudgmental.
• First sexual experience: Sometimes heterosexual males experiment with other males sexually, usually in adolescence and/or young adulthood (up to age 25), for the experience or to satisfy curiosity.
• Availability/opportunity: These straight men have high sex drives and are sexually aroused easily. They connect with men for physical sexual release, which can be quick and easy and allows them avoid having to emotionally engage.
• Father hunger: These are heterosexual men who crave affection and attention from their fathers and seek sex with men as a way of getting that male nurturance and acceptance.
• Sexual orientation toward men but emotional/romantic orientation toward women: These are men who are romantically attracted to women and are usually partnered with women. They can be sexual with women they love, but they are predominately aroused and driven sexually by desire for sex with other men.
• Narcissism: These are straight men who are self-absorbed and have a constant need for attention and acceptance; they use sexuality with men to be worshipped and adored. • Out of Control Sexual Behaviors: “Gay” sexual behavior can be the result of problematic sexual behaviors. But even a “cured” man who no longer struggles with out of control sexual behaviors may still feel attracted to sex with men.
• Cuckolding: These straight men enjoy fantasies of — or the reality of — their female partners having sex with other men, either in front of them, nearby or with their knowledge about when and where it occurs. They’re often sexually aroused by feeling humiliated that their female partners are being pleased by another man whom they see as more potent and better endowed. Other men enjoy being sexual with another man’s female partner in front of him, or at least with his knowledge. Sometimes they engage in sexual behavior with the man, but only in the presence of the female partner.
• Exhibitionism: These straight men enjoy being looked at by both men and women as long as they are being admired for their bodies. Many are body builders and muscular and enjoy the homoerotic attention of gay men and might even flirt with gay men to encourage more admiration.
• Sexual release in prison: These straight men engage in sexual behavior with other men in prison. Their sexual release with another person occurs with men only because men are what’s available. Once released from prison, these men no longer engage in sexual behavior with men.
     Oh wow, I know a guy who actually falls into three of these categories. And yes, he’s married with three kids. And yes, I had a fling with him. It was a lot of fun I must say. Again, I didn’t really know he was married when it all started.

     I like the way that Dr. Kort explains a lot of things, but there are a few things that he didn’t get into that I think needs to be mentioned here.
     While doing some further digging, I found some other doctor’s research where men would give a brief explanation as to why they were seeking out sex with other men, even though they identified as been heterosexual. This is what I was really looking for! I wanted to hear it straight (pun intended) from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.
     One man – "My wife and I have been married for sixteen years and we now have two children. My wife is a very loving wife and takes care of all of us and I love her deeply. (Cutting part of it out and going to the heart of the subject.) She’s cut her hair and looks like a tomboy, no makeup, shorts or sweats all the time and all she talks about are the kids or other family. She has no interest in sex and we never go anywhere because she says we need to keep the money for the kid’s college fund."
     Basically the guy met another guy and they started to hang out and one thing led to another and now they are lovers… but he’s still married.
     And then we have this guy – “I have sex with other men all the time, mostly because it’s easier than with women and more available and because I need variety, another great thing is it comes without drama, one night of sex is exactly that, one night. Men understand the need for sex, unlike women, and know that sex is just sex and nothing more.”
     Another guy said that his first sexual experience was with another boy as a young teen. He didn’t have sex with another male until his late 30’s. Again, a married guy who just wanted a sexual outlet and found it with another guy, who also happened to be ‘straight’ and married.
     The one thing I know about guys is that most men can separate love and their emotional relationships from sexual encounters. Here’s another example - “Men can have sex without the entanglements of their feelings or the demands put upon them from their female companions. They can have sex with other men without the need to do the cuddling, the after care, the expectations or trying to explain their feelings.”
    Okay, this is getting really long…
     How about I continue this, because there is soooo much more information that I’d like to explore. I’ll continue working on this and pick it up again next week. Maybe we’ll get to the bottom of why ‘straight’ men have sex with other men… perhaps. Who knows? I’ll keep digging though.
     For now…
     Go and do something for someone else who might need a little pick-me-up. It doesn’t hurt ya know. I did my part this week, did you?
     Have a grrreat week, y’all.
     Max

Yes... We Can!

     So… I’ve been sitting here trying to think of something to say on this blog post today. After a few hours… I’m sitting here… stunned.
     I’ve been trying to play catch up with all the social media stuff. Something that really is a chore after being out of touch for a while as I roamed the Outback of AU. So I’m scrolling around, looking about and came across this.

“A father has reportedly refused to claim the corpse of his gay son killed at Pulse nightclub, because he disapproved of his homosexuality.”

     Taken from the Gailygrind and verified.
     Okay, I understand that the Latino, Hispanic and Arab communities are not all that open to having gay children, but even in death? Really? This is your child and you won’t even claim his dead body because you are embarrassed? Really? This is when I don’t know whether to feel sad or infuriated. Deep breath. But to deny your child after they’ve been murdered? That to me is just unforgivable. I don’t care if you’re Arab or not. He was your child!
     Okay, going to go take a break, have some coffee… with something in it… like Bailey’s or something…
     Just to let y’all know… tequila and coffee don’t go so well together… back in a few…
    Alrighty then, I’m back after a stiff cup of coffee and a cigar. Feeling much better thank you… The bourbon helped I do believe.
     I guess it all comes to who your family really is. Ru Paul said it best. “I pick who my family is. Don’t fuck with my family!”
     I think kids have it harder today, even with all the acceptance, than ever before. The internet is way too convenient a tool to use to bully people. The news is no longer news, but a mind numbing, constant barrage of hate and misinformation. Teen suicide is up, the majority of them being LGBT youth. Is it any wonder?
     A little while ago I was chatting with a friend that I went to highschool with. She’s kind of kept up with people from way back then. She tells me that she’s fairly certain that at least 10% of those we went to school with came out as gay if not maybe a bit more. Whoosh, like an instant time travel thingy… I was back there. All the hurt, anguish came rushing back at me. Yeah… not a good time. Where were those kids when I was there getting my ass kicked? Doesn’t really matter now. It’s all old history, but I do remember.
     Yeah, I got bullied, tossed in a dumpster, but I made it. It does get better, but I didn’t have all these external influences hounding me day in and day out. I didn’t have parents that tossed me out because I was gay. Okay, strike that. I didn’t have a mother to do that. My father on the other hand… yeah well he was a piece of crap, and his opinion didn’t matter one bit to me.
     There is no doubt in my mind that is why I try and support charities that reach out to LGBT youth. Lost–n-Found in Atlanta, and now the Zebra Coalition in Orlando. I know what it like to be bullied. I know what it is like when family turn their back on you, call you names and try and act like they don’t know you when you happen to run across each other in public. Been there. Done that.
     The more we find out about the killer in Orlando, the more I’m convinced that his heritage, his background, his religion were all bricks in the wall that isolated him. Is that any excuse? Of course not, but I want to understand. Personally, I’m of the opinion that this guy was probably gay and all his life and he’d been told how bad that is. How gays should be thrown from a roof top or killed in some way. Bad. Bad. Bad. That may have been all he’d known, his feelings and self-loathing must have been like being in a torture chamber. How sad is that? I think we all have a breaking point, and I think that is what may have happened here. He finally snapped.
     Final thought on that for me is… there were actually 50 victims. I have this gut feeling that he was also a victim: a victim of the society around him.
     What about the father in California who’d rather shoot his son dead than have an openly gay son? Yes that happened. What about the kid left on the side of the road because he was reading a LGBT themed young adult book. The teenage girl who was raped because she announced she was transgendered. Yes, all these things happened.
     What can I do? Pfft… I can do a lot. I can support PFLAG. I can support LGBT youth organizations. I can do my part, as little as it may seem. Yeah, I can do all that and so can you.
    The Trevor Project has outreach programs, as so many other organizations, worldwide. There are special safe houses set up. There are places for these young people to go to find help. They just need the support from the community and funding. Sometimes it isn’t very much, but together, we do make a difference. A lot of these places have wish lists. You can easily do a one click shop and buy some poor kid some underwear, a bus pass for the month, some snacks all on Amazon.
     Remember that whole thing about it takes a village to raise a child. How about we put that into practice? Will you do your part? We can make a difference. We, together are a powerful force. Who knows what that might bring? We might have helped the next Freddie Mercury, Leonardo da Vinci, Alan Turing or Sir Isaac Newton! Now wouldn’t that be something?
     Yes… we can. Have you done your part? As soon as I’m done here I’m going to go see what’s on the wish list this month. Gotta get my months’ worth of Kudo Coins!
     I hope everyone in the States enjoys their 4th of July. Happy Independence Day. Happy penal farm day to my friends down under. He he he Go blow up some fireworks. BBQ, drink, be merry. Thank a Veteran. They deserve our appreciation for all they have done and do!
     Have a grrreat week, y’all.
     Max