So… It’s been a week since I kind of dropped the bomb shell with that Special Blog Post. I’m happy to announce that I’ve received nothing but support. To be honest, I did expect a little push back, but no, there was none. Thank you one and all for that. I’m not so sure how I would have handled that.
As I stated, there are so many readers who are wonderful people and quite of few of whom I call friends. It does seem unfair that I withdrew myself from them, but I really did need to take some time for me. Betrayal is a horrible thing and that’s how I felt. Completely betrayed.
Last year I took an unofficial type poll and asked about betrayal. It was in the form of a multiple choice. What surprised me was 99% of those who answered immediately went to the form of cheating on a spouse, lover or partner. That was somewhat telling if you ask me. What I was really hoping to see a little more of was the betrayal of friendship which was the purpose of the poll. I only got one response that mentioned that one. I found that a little unsettling.
For me personally, I think I could handle and get over a partner cheating on me sexually more so than a betrayal of a friendship. Hell, I’ve dealt with the sexual cheating thing, and yes, while I made him pay dearly through the nose, I got over it. And yes, I did enjoy torturing his butt.
I don’t know… there is just something that really digs deep inside me, really hurts my soul when there is a friend that I trust, confide in, open myself up to who treats that trust so casually. Or in one particular case totally trashed it and then hoped I’d forgive her. Had that been the first time, I might have done that. The last time was worse, so much more worse that I cut that person out of my life totally. I don’t want that type of person close to me. It’s just not worth it in the long run.
Remember, there are at least two sides to every story. I was so surprised when I got the cold shoulder or completely ignored afterwards by people in the M/M community. Now, just so you know, there were only two people who I told about this break. To me, that’s something that is nobody else’s business. Obviously the other party didn’t think so. It felt like highschool all over again. I’m still not going to go into it. It hurt. It hurt a lot, but life goes on.
Stepping back…
I have to admit, stepping away from all social media did me a world of good. There was no drama, no bad things glaring at me, no politics and no badly behaving authors. If there some big blow up going on, I was blissfully unaware. Did I suffer from withdrawal? Nope. Not one little bit.
Since last week I did sneak on and just have a wee look around. What I saw made me want to run away. There is was. Rants, politics, hate, angst and all the things that make me want to recede back into my hermit shell. What is one to do? How do you avoid all this stuff? Sadly, you can’t. I have yet to figure out how to return to social media without seeing all the stuff I don’t want to see. I am still undecided whether I want to jump back in. I guess time will tell.
Other stuff…
We had record temperature lows last week. I’m talking 27F degrees! I was freezing my butt off. My poor feet suffered the worst. I didn’t think they would ever thaw out. Unfortunately they weren’t the only casualties. Many of my poor tropical plants didn’t survive. I was so heartbroken when I saw all the brown leaves or my ornamental ginger lying on the ground, withered beyond recognition. I am hoping that I can trim some things back and they might come back. All I can do is try. Thankfully, the weather has improved and we are back to a more normal climate.
I have this little space heater that I keep around just for my feet. The dogs and I fought over who was going to be closer. It seems they didn’t much care for that cold-ass weather either. Today, they are all outside sunning themselves out on the deck. I keep asking them if they need sunscreen. Damn dogs… they never answer. I might as well have been talking to the wind.
The big stuff…
Over the past few years I’ve been collecting stuff for a new kitchen: cabinets, handles, tile and other stuff. Did you know it’s expensive to redo a kitchen? If not, let me tell you, it is! But finally, I got the project started. I wasn’t able to do any of the work myself, which was the intention. However, I was able to find a good handyman who was able to get the job done. It has been long and tedious, a lot of dust, a lot of sandwiches, but finally, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Only a few more things and it will be completely done!
When this project is completely finished, I’m going to do some serious cooking. A friend’s birthday is coming up so I think I may just have to have a little party. Can’t decide on all I want to cook, but that’s half the fun of it if you ask me. I am seriously considering throwing down a good ol’ fashioned BBQ. What’cha think?
Around the first of the month I was able to order a case of snacks for one of my LGBT youth centers through Smile.Amazon.com. It was only $26.00, so what the hell, right? It will help with those afterschool munchies I’m sure. What have you done recently to earn some of those good Karma coins?
Y’all have a great week,
Max
So… I guess I owe everyone an explanation as to why I disappeared for a while.
There has been a lot going on in my life, some good and some not so good. The hurricane really did more damage that I’d initially thought, so I had to deal with all of that. I was without power for 11 days, and it was hotter than hell. Talk about grumpy.
Then I’ve had some pretty significant health issues. I think things are going fairly well on that front for now, but having to work at it.
I guess the big thing is I’m just tired of all the hate within the M/M community. Most of this comes from other authors, and as much as I hate to say it, it seems, for the most part, come from female authors. I’m not quite sure why, but it seems that some authors are either threatened by male authors or just don’t like me personally. I have spoken to a few other men who are writing in this genre and there are a few who have had the same experience that I have. Perhaps it is just a combination thereof. I’m not sure. All I know is that I’m pretty sick of it.
Initially I thought of listing each time I felt slighted or treated badly, but I didn’t want to come off as some whiney bitch. What I will say is that I’ve been used, misled, lied to, catfished, slandered, accused of sexual assault, called a racist, a bigot and let’s not forget anti-Semitic! For the record, I am not any of these things. Then I was lied to and stolen from by not one but two publishers. So… yeah, I’m pretty fed up with the whole business.
I’ve not written anything in ages. I’m talking months and months and months. Each time I’ve tried, my stomach turns into knots and I just can’t seem to do it. Hell, I’ve sat down to write this blog so many times I can’t even count how many times I’ve started. I’ve got drafts all over my desktop. I’m not even sure that this one will ever see the light of day.
One thing that really bothers me is how badly some readers have been treated by authors. I’ve always held readers in the highest regard, or at least I’ve tried. It should surprise no author that sales are down. Personally, I think those who shell out their hard earned cash are just as tired of authors behaving badly as I am and who can blame them? I’ve heard from several readers who won’t buy an author just because of the way they’ve acted on public forums!
I do feel bad for cutting myself off from readers, but honestly, I just needed a break from everything. Will I be able to write again? I can’t promise anything there. I’m not sure I have it in me.
Just when I thought I was ready to try and dip my toe in the water and push myself back into things, my good friend James Vanzant committed suicide. I took this pretty hard. He’d sent out a message that bothered me so I responded and got nothing back. I called the police for a wellness check but they were too late. That is something that is going to haunt me for some time to come. I can’t help but wonder if there was something I could have done. Said something, anything? Who knows? What I do know is that I miss him each and every day.
I have also made a life-changing decision that I am sure will shock a lot of people and more than likely piss a lot of people off. Sorry in advance for that, but it is my life and I need to choose things that are going to be best for me. I will discuss more about this at a later date.
I knew as soon at Donald Trump was elected that my health care would be in jeopardy, and sure as shit, it has come to pass. There are so many things radically wrong with our healthcare system. Two years ago I saw a doctor in Australia with NO insurance for the same price as I see one here WITH health insurance. I’m not even going to go into medications. I will say that my medications this past year was slightly over $50,000.00 and I had to pay a hefty portion of that, or will be paying I should say.
I’d like to thank everyone who has supported me while I lived what seems like a dream. Never in my wildest imaginations would I have thought I’d have written a book, much less several. They were stories that I enjoyed writing and I had a wonderful time doing it. It saddens me to feel like that has been taken away from me, but things change. Life is change and I will do my best to go with the flow. Will I write again? I just don’t know. Maybe one day. IF I do, I will continue to write for me first, a proud gay man.
I hope that everyone has a healthy and prosperous new year. I also hope that we can all remember those who are less fortunate than ourselves and do something kind for your fellow human beings.
Finally, I would like to thank everyone who has been there for me and supported me on this wild journey. It has been a blast. I’ve been able to do things that I’d never thought I’d be able to do. I’ve made many friends along the way who I will always cherish.
Thank you all so much,
Max
