Sunday, February 21, 2016

Dildos


     So… What to say…
     Let’s talk dildos, shall we?
     This week the Prime Minister of New Zealand had a dildo thrown at him, smacking him right in the face. I thought that was hilarious, but it also made me stop to think… how did that word originate? Where did it come from?


     Let’s look at the history of the dildo first…
     The first mention of a dildo, in written word, according the Oxford English Dictionary, was in 1593. William Shakespeare also used the term in the play The Winter’s Tale. However, as I looked into this subject, it was mentioned centuries before that, just not in English.
     Whenever or wherever it was first mentioned, the dildo has been around for at least 30,000 years! Yes, ladies and gents, there were perverts even back then. It is believed that the first documented dildo is from the Upper Paleolithic. It, the dildo, was found in a cave in Germany. One only has to look at it to know what it is. Nope, no doubt there. Yes indeedy, it is made of siltstone. Now talk about hard… I know I’ve written ‘hard as granite’. Maybe I should change that to ‘hard as siltstone’. What’cha think?


     During my in-depth research (get your minds out of the gutter, I know you went there), it appears that ancient dildos were made from a variety of materials. We’ve established stone, and then there was wood, tar, leather stuffed with wool and sometimes sand, carved ivory, jade, bronze and even gold and silver, for those hoity-toity types. Hmm, I wonder if they had to polish the metal ones or if… well you know where I was going with that.


     There are many ancient artifacts that clearly show that the dildo is not a modern invention. It was believed that a woman should have a dildo to ‘comfort’ her or to keep female hysteria at bay while the men were away at war or traveling for whatever reason. I wonder if they knew what the men were up to while on such journeys. I have no doubt in my mind what they were up to, do you?


     Hell, there were even plays written in the 3rd Century by the Greeks mentioning the dildo, although at the time they were called ‘olisbos’. The play was Lysistrata, where women talk about using and sharing the artificial penis. It is believed that a Roman physician invented the double headed dildo so that it could be a social event, to be shared between friends.

     Okay, can you imagine taking in a prescription for a dildo? I wonder if insurance would pay for that? I can just see it now… Yes, it is for my gay hysteria. Yeah, I doubt that would fly.
     Oh, and those crafty Greeks…
     Did you know that they also made coverings for their dildos/olisbos? Yep, they sure did. They made leather covers for the things to give them a more natural feel. Of course they also recommended the use of animal intestines. I wonder if that is when the first sheepskin (sheep intestine) condom was invented. Ever seen one of those things? They really are kind of gross.


     Oh, and did you know that it was recorded that Julius Caesar gave Cleopatra an elaborately carved fake cock, inlaid with gold. It was documented as a ‘sculpture’. Yeah, right. It was a big ol’ fat fake dick. I know a little bit about the woman, I’m sure she used it for its intended purpose. Fancy!
     There is so much documentation of the dildo from the ancient world, it isn’t even funny. From the Karma Sutra to One Thousand and One Arabian Nights! Even the Chinese got into the act. There have been excavations where dildos were found all the way back to the Han Dynasty. Of course it was mentioned in the bible. I didn’t know that until this research. So… for those robust, stout Christians, if they’ve ever used a dildo, they’re going to hell. “Thou hast madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them.”
     Yes… I’m getting to the word origin, which was my purpose here…
     We’ve got olisbos from the Greeks, the phallic imitator from the Russians, darsildo from the Hindi, the consoler from the Spanish and then the fake penis from the Welsh, all ancient descriptions in their own languages, so where does dildo come from? See, this is how this all started in my head.
     Would you believe that the world dildo came from a boat?


     Now I’d heard this story from a history professor, but I never really thought much about it until now. (Education is sometimes wasted on the young.) One reference is from a peg that held an oar in place of a dory, a small rowboat. Another is a peg that was used to hold oars in a massive rowing and sailing vessel. The pegs were also used to hold ropes in place.

     Now, it had another use on those larger boats. Those carved wooden pegs were also used to keep young men, between the ages of fifteen and eighteen, (remember the times now) to keep them ‘open’ for use. When those randy sailors got ‘wood’ they had an already opened up ass to relieve themselves with. That’s right folks, that is also where we get the term ‘wood’ for a man’s erection, or one of the theories anyway. Makes sense to me.
     Now there is another theory that the modern name dildo comes from the Italian word diletto, which means delight. I don’t know that it will ever be proven to which one or the other is correct, but I’d heard the peg story long before I’d heard that it might have come from the Italians, which wouldn’t surprise me at all either. However, I’m leaning more towards the peg theory myself.

     Now that I’m talking about names, do you know the story of the band Steely Dan? Hmm, I bet most of you haven’t. Ever read the novel The Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs? If not, you might have a gander. It was written in 1959. There is a reference to Steely Dan III, which happened to be a dildo. Yep, there you have it. Steely Dan was named after a dildo. I’d heard that story for years also. It appears that one of the band members happened to like using a dildo. There were innuendos that he was also gay, but I never followed up on that rumor.

     Here’s a little factoid for you…
     In 1998 the Supreme Court of Alabama upheld the Anti-Obscenity Act which prohibits the sale of sex toys. No wonder there are so many confused and hysterical woman and gay men in Alabama. Poor things… bless their hearts.
     And there you have it...
     Dildos were wooden pegs that boys were forced to sit on, and of course hold oars and ropes in place. A morning erection, referred to as wood, comes from that same damn peg. I’d say you got a two-for-one today. Now it goes without saying that two bottoms using a doubled headed dildo should give thanks to that ancient Greek doctor for inventing it and thus giving them the ability to share in such a social activity.


     Did you do something nice for someone this week? I did.
     That’s about all I have kiddies. Hope you enjoyed the little history lesson.
     Have a grrreat week y’all,
     Max




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